Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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