Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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