The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
