Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
