Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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