Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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