i love accidental penises.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So squirting runs in the family.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
