it wasn't lemon gatorade
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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