i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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