Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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