i may or may not be watching the land before time
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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