ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
