where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
