Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
