Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
