I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize