There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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