omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
