I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
