I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Less talking, more tequila
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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