Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize