Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
