My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
