You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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