I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
