i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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