You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
