I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
