this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
