I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
