Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
