May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
