so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
