My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
