sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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