First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
