Old men and throwing up are my life now.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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