oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
