I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
