alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
