You were right. It hurts to walk today.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
