The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
