is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My life is pants optional.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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