I cut my penus on the lid.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
