i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
