I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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