That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
