he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
