Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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