I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We're using joints as your birthday candles
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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