You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
