Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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