I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
