i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
vagina is talking i cant
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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