No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
