I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
PANTIES FOUND
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
