I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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