I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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