why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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